Achievment

I was born in the June Cleaver and Donna Reed era. Their example inspired many and I was no exception. I was raised to believe that my one aspiration in life was to bear and raise children. I was also told I would be a miserable failure at it because my own mother had abandoned me when I was only three years old. Could I succeed as a mother without an intimate nurturing example to follow?  Did I want to?

By the time I reached childbearing age the world had changed. No longer was the emphasis on home, hearth and the patter of little feet. Women had burned their bras; conventional schools of thought became unconventional; Mary Richards and Gloria Steinem took center stage. It was 'en vogue' to defy the norm, and society declared I was meant for more than "just motherhood" but if that was my choice I needed only to remind myself that "I AM WOMAN" to master the task. Still, though, having children raised many doubts for me. I wondered if making that decision would have been different if my mother had been around.

My mother, I had been told, was unprepared for and uninterested in the inconveniences of parenting. Did that excuse her from duty once the children came along? I never had the nerve to ask her. She took flight when her third daughter was just a toddler, and the family who raised us was less than kind to her memory.

Over the years I saw my mother a total of 8 or 9 times. But I lived with the essence of her every day of my life. Oh she would make grand, sweeping appearances from time to time. Arriving unannounced every few years, she would tell us how much she loved us or how proud she was of us. And then she would disappear just as abruptly as she appeared. Repeated abandonment. After every visit, the family that took my sisters and me in reminded me, "You'll grow up to be just like her." They told us often just what they thought of a woman who could so easily toss away her children and how the consequences of that act would be realized upon those children. Any unthinking, naughty, or unbecoming act of childhood behavior would immediately herald a chorus of "It all reflects on your mother. You'll grow up to be just like her." I lived in mortal fear of that prophesy coming true.

It was because of this that when I married at the age of 18, I had absolutely no intention of ever bearing, birthing or nurturing children. But circumstances, like ideals change. Nine months later I was in the throes of labor wondering how I ever let myself get in this condition only to discover we were having twins. Like my mother, I too was unprepared for parenthood, let alone double the responsibility. But unlike my mother, I knew my duty was to care for the babies I was about to deliver. My mother had left her mark, though, and my mind was flooded with doubts. Could I handle the job? Was I fit? Could I trust myself? Would I suddenly take leave of my senses and commit the same sin? Worse yet, would I hold these innocents to my breast and unwittingly scar them with my ineptness?

So again I wondered, was it possible for an unprepared, untrained woman with poor role models to become a good mother? I found the answer in the eyes of my children. It was. However, I had to first realize that parenting requires tremendous effort, time and support.  Motherhood in itself is a soul shaking experience that changes most women irrevocably. It grows out of a selfless love that knows no bounds.

It wasn't until after my mother died that I realized just how far under her shadow I had lived. While she was living there was always the fear I would become like her. Often, in spite of all my efforts, I had the feeling that I was merely rearranging deck chairs on a sinking ship. And as sad as it sounds, when she died I felt I was free to be the example to my own three daughters that my mother never was to hers. I could call myself a good mother.

Years later as I was preparing for bed one night, I found a little note lying on my pillow. It was written by one of my twins. It read:

     Dear Mama,

           You are a very special person to me. Please don't ever forget that. I couldn't even begin to think of having someone else for a mom. You are everything a mother should be when raising a daughter. Two of my friends have told me that they wish you were their mom. When I pray for our family, I can never thank God enough for letting me be the daughter of you and Daddy. Now that I'm 18yrs old I'm not supposed to say "When I grow up..." but I am going to say it anyway, and end it with "I want to be just like my mom!" It's true. You are such a role model for me to follow. You have such wonderful God given qualities. I try to follow your example of being a friend and family member. And someday Mom, I will be a mother. And when I am I know I will be a fine one because I am going to bring up my children the same way you have brought up Jenny, Abby and me.

                                   I honor you

                                   I respect you

                                   I love you

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my mommy you'll be."

                                                     With much love,

                                                      Julie

I am thankful to have discovered the strength necessary to push myself beyond doubts and concern. Parenting is a joyous experience and it makes my heart sing to know my children feel I have succeeded. I am a good mother!

~K!

Comments

[The Complimenting Commenter]

That is an awesome story and even better letter. I think everyone doubts themselves, but I'm glad that you overcame them. Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I'm glad I followed it over here.

[Joe Cool - Cowboy Poet]

Hey thank you for visiting. I think you have a great style and look forward to reading more.

Keep smilin'
Joe

[Crystal]

What a beautiful post! I often wonder if the shortcomings of my biological father (or my children's biological father) will have some sort of effect on me (or the kids). After a couple years of parenting, I've realized that nature and nurture are equally strong, but if one screws you, it's possible to overcome it.

[Raehan]

Hi! Thanks for your e-mail. It seems like just yesterday when I was blogging, too. Just a few months ago, actually. And yet in the blogging world, that's a lot, cause we're all new.

This is a beautiful post!!!! Congratulations on you for figuring out the mothering thing all on your own! What an accomplishment.

I will blogroll you. See you soon!

[J&J's Mom]

Wow!!Beautiful..just beautiful. Here via Raehan today...glad she sent me! Makes all the tragedy worthwhile...good for you!

[Rozanne]

Hi Kismet!

So you finally got yourself a blog. About time!

What a *wonderful* letter your daughter wrote to you. I wish I would have done something like that for my mom.

[Barbara]

Your post has left my weeping. I am going through a divorce and your words about rearranging deck chairs on a sinking ship is exactly how I feel. I feel like such a failure. I feel like I have betrayed my children in the worst way. I feel they are going to grow up screwed up and it is all my fault. I love my children with every ounce of love that is within me and I can't tell you how discouraged I feel at times.
Thank you for your post. It made me feel that there may be hope.

[Jewels]

Beautiful! Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!